Monday 4 May 2009

I just want to breathe your air.

I can still smell you on my pillowcase,the greatest of liars we two make.I will try to forget you, but I can't deny,my heart wishes you'd satisfied.You say next years our time and place;will we be single long enough to wait?Just lie and declare that someday we'll be,but we're just writing our twisted tragedy.

Wednesday 22 April 2009

Living for tomorrow..

I'm being so silly lately…
At least I can admit it though.
I realize that I have someone in my life who cares about me deeply and who I care for as well but I know I am ruining things.


What is all this talk of love if I am throwing away a chance to find it?


I can make excuses all day long; maybe I'm scared, think it's bad timing, I enjoy single life, or maybe he's just not the right one. It must be that, because it's obviously nothing I'm doing wrong.
False.


Being away from home for a while made me realize I have so many great people in my life. A few of those people are great guys who I have a past or present relationship with, but I'm not sure I can choose one over another. There are obviously reasons why I enjoy spending time with different people every once and a while.


This time a year ago I was beginning a relationship with someone which lasted a few months and looking back on it makes me not want something serious again. I've come to realize the type of person I want to be with and can't seem to settle for anything less.

I want maturity, friendship and someone I enjoy being around.
I like people who are chill and anti-drama…I can't stand aggression or jealously.
My attitude lately, however, has been anything but the calm, chill, anti-drama person that I know myself to be. I've been causing lots of drama.  Since I've been home my single city life has been taking over most evenings which lead me to acting flirtatiously with a few friends who knowingly understand the foolishness of the whole thing…less understanding is their acquaintance, the guy who likes me. I'm trying to fix this, but my mind won't let me stop acting out.
Maybe I don’t want to devote the time to make it work.
Maybe I need to focus on something other than this drama.
Maybe I like being single for now.
Or maybe I found someone else I want to be with but they won't be with me.
Just maybe…

Friday 20 March 2009

Wednesday.

Kisses sweet your lips have took
Silence, lullabies have shook
Dancing circles sweetly 'round
Come to me and lay me down

Sheets of silk our legs embrace
Sadness, hearts will never taste
Passion whispered quietly
Whilst you're lying next to me

Thursday 12 March 2009

Honesty, Honestly.

You’ll never know how much time you have until it’s passed
When seeing someone you love, may be your last

Lately my honesty is anything but a virtue. I feel like I’m losing more than I’m gaining. Is it possibly that honesty isn’t always the best policy?

I hate playing games when it comes to my heart. If I’m playing games than most likely its infatuation or I’m scared for some reason. But more commonly, I have been approaching matters of the heart a lot more seriously.

Why does it take so many years of small flirtations and bad timing to realize that you might actually have someone great in front of you?
Recently something changed that made me see things this way. There is never any time like the present and I’m not sure if I wait that my feelings will be as strong. So I did something stupid…I was honest. I said “honestly, I like you.” Simply that I care for someone and would like to see what would happen if we finally took the time to try after all these years. What’s the not typical response I received…questions…of why now, and what do you want from this. Insert more questions…and from me a “never mind” quickly rang from my voice.

I know what I want, it’s honesty.
And if someone can’t show the same respect in return I’m not sure how much it’s worth.
I don’t need much, just some type of passion or some awareness to the fact that we’ve spent over half a decade silently fawning over each other. I guess I’m not for the shy hearted.
But after my first big gesture I don’t think the next step needs to be made by me. How am I supposed to know how I feel is still as mutual.
I’m afraid if I don’t take the time to try this now, it’ll be a long time until these feeling resurface again. I’ve done a good job of keeping my emotions buried.

Sunday 1 March 2009

The greatest

Just finished watching the greatest love story of our time, Atonement.
I’ve seen it before, but it deserves repeated watching, since you’ll begin to understand the characters and plot more (since the scenes skip around a bit).
Honestly though, there is a pain in my chest.
It’s not one of those movies where I begin to sob by the end because it’s so touching, but one where I feel my throat begin to close as the pain from my heart works it way up. I feel a tingle in my nose, and like a rushing wave, the tears instantly begin to pour…fast and silent as I take in what I’ve seen. There is no tragedy like it. It’s said that greatest love is forbidden love, but beyond that is love that is lost.


Lately, my obsession with love has brought me to begin reading great love stories. In my small bookshelf in my flat, I have lined up Atonement, Pride and Prejudice, Tristan and Isolde, the Notebook and more to follow. Romance is a topic I know not enough about. The honesty that is written in these love stories is no less than the greatest words ever placed on a page.
They are true and poetic.
They do not always have a need for happy endings and the timeline makes no matter to its story. Some love takes a lifetime and lasts one too, but the most tragic and the strongest love of all are the stolen moments where the touch of someone’s hand keeps you hoping. It is knowing that they’re waiting for you and promising to see them again; the tragedy is being unable to. It’s a love that aches the heart of the reader or audience…It’s the pain of knowing what could have been, if only things had happened differently.

It’s my new obsession.

Thursday 12 February 2009

Tick, tock..

Ticking clock goes right, right
Eyes wide open all the night
Tousled sheets, this bed won't know
Dream; a place I can not go



Let’s pause from this whole Love topic and discuss what is beginning to be a new problem in my life:

Sleep. It’s not that I can’t fall asleep; it’s that once I am asleep I don’t wake up. I’ve tried setting my alarm on loud all the way across the room but I just fall back asleep and sleep through the entire day. We’re talking until like 3 or 4 in the afternoon. It may be that my body is resorting back to the time in the east coast USA, but who knows.
My last resort is that I just don’t sleep at all.
If I have class four hours from now what good will it do to say “oh I’ll just take a short nap.” When I know I’ll just sleep through it, again. And I have time in the afternoon to sleep for a few hours after I meet with my tutor.
The worst part is I am beginning to get incredibly tired. My mind is becoming slow and distracted…so these sentences may not make sense. I actually took my contacts out tonight, threw them away got out a new pair for the morning…opened them, put them in and proceeded to put my glasses on as well…no idea what I was doing.
I may need to rest, really…and what am I going to do while I wait for 8:30 to role around? Watch a movie that I won’t pay attention to, cause I’m too tired. Well, I already have the movie Australia starting on another page, so I guess I’ll get back to that.
Happy sleeping everyone.

Monday 9 February 2009

"And now, I’ll stop the storm if it rains"


A few shorts written quickly...inspired by my time living here in London.
18th January-

1.
We walk the streets paved in rain
As one more dreamer makes their stain
But cold it's not, for in your smile
I'll take a glass and stay a while.


2.

Gentle winds about do blow
Faint rains a steady course don't know
As heads forbidden sleep to take
A book to read or call to make

3.

She doesn't seem to understand
how loneliness dealt her this hand.
Looking hasn't found it easy,
Step back, give up, until you find me.

4.

The air smells sweet from this side of town
And the winds do shake the earth from its ground
But quiet looks from untrained eyes
Only know sweet tunes to cry.

5.

The grayest of skies knows its truth;
No sun to shine in this loves youth.
Only cold sheets wrap me tight,
Only dreams to keep me warm tonight.

Sunday 8 February 2009

fairytale endings

"But nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your embrace."

I think I’ve been watching too many fairytales.
I should know by now that love isn’t like in the movies.
Still, I can’t help but yearn for someone to love me like in Romeo and Juliet, without the tragic ending. But can such strong love exist without tragedy? Would Tristan still love Isolde if it wasn’t forbidden?
It isn’t fair to push such ideals onto our young moldable minds…it just gives us false hope. In all honestly, I wish I could find such a strong love as Carrie and Big.
I felt something similar once, where stolen glances and secret conversation melted my soul and made my blood rush. But as soon as it’s allowed, it stops being as interesting…
What if it didn’t though…what if love lasted?
In this day and age where a marriage license is easy to come by and divorce is easier, is it fair to say that the sanctity of marriage is still being upheld? No…it’s us trying to write our own fairytales where we’re searching for the tragic everlasting love. After the honeymoon people aren’t ready to face the burdens of marriage…you have to work at it. The best part about having someone to love is not knowing everything about them and that’s what keeps things interesting.
If you go into a relationship thinking you know the stereotype of the person and classify them as such, you’ll be sadly disappointed to find they won’t be what you expect. And, if you don’t let yourself see anything other than this stereotype that you’ve fitted them with, you’ll be missing out on more than you know.
Love isn’t supposed to be easy. It’s not a Disney movie, and it’s certainly not always a tragedy.
Love isn’t always fair,
Love isn’t always kind.
But it is rare,
And it’s worth searching for,
And even more worth holding on to.

Thursday 22 January 2009

Close to Home

These two poems took me about 20 minutes to write in class last year...sometimes the words just flow.

The first isn't relevant anymore since Obama is the new pres (yay!!).
The second hits close to home...it's about a friend who passed away. I wrote it around one year after she passed, which stirred up all sorts of feelings and memories <3


1)
Sometimes I think the country is pretending,
Or maybe we’ve forgot what they’re defending.
It’s obvious to see that we’re going down,
Maybe the government should try to turn things around.
I don’t know why they’re there but I support them all the same,
For the death of our children we have the white house to blame.
So mister High and Mighty who’s to stop the attack,
If you won’t send out the call to bring our soldiers back.
They are not your tools to fix personal issues,
Peace can be found without their misuse.
You think you’re patriotic with your brand new Act,
But the presidential way would be taking it back.
Is this really the way you want to be remembered,

For speaking the truth I hope you’re not offended.



2)
I’ve seen a mother cry desperately for her child,
As a father curls up on the bathroom tiles.
It’s okay if you don’t want to pretend you’re strong,
When it’s missing her that makes the nights feel long.
We used to say when we were younger we’d grow up the same,
Cause our silly imaginations like to play games.
You’ve been gone almost a year and things sure have changed,
Except for the ones who cry when they bring up your name.
It’s apparent and we know you aren’t coming back down,
But you’ll be watching over us while we stand on this ground.

Wednesday 21 January 2009

Something New

It's strange to think, I've dated…that I've been the object of someone else’s affection. But how affectionate must I have been in return? I must have trust issues...If I've never let anyone, family or friend, see poems or songs written by me.

I guess I'm afraid of their responses...good or bad.
Or I'm afraid of someone not understanding my words…or maybe understanding too well and by forever exposing my soul to someone else’s gaze.

I've grown so much and changed to little apparently.
Since I still don't let anyone see the real me...I thought it would be time to lay it all on the table (or blog). I'm not a great writer, at least it's what I think...but how would I know since I've never let anyone read these little tangents of mine.

I guess it's time, and I think it's the right time…I’d love feedback.